Recently gave up on a almost 20 year friendship

I (34, NB, AFAB) recently told a friend (33, F) that I didn't think we were friends anymore since she went silent on me.

2023-2024 was a tumultuous time for me and I did vent a lot to this friend about my relationship with my partner (34, M). She also had a breakup happen around the same time as myself and my partner (end of 2023). So we spent mostly of 2024 bonding, probably a trauma bond too. She was always there for me and I made myself available for her. I was dating a very avoidant guy for a lot of 2024 and I constantly vented to her. I didn't know it at the time but I was dumping too much on her. I did tell her to let me know when it was too much and I would be there for her when she needed it.

Well, I got back together with my ex back in October. People did express some concern because the relationship did get toxic at times. But we've both been in therapy and on medication.

The friend I'm distancing from told me when I got back with him that if I complained about him even once she would drop me as a friend. At the time it stung but it stuck with me a lot longer than I anticipated. It hit me this week why it hurt me so much.

I have abandonment issues. I always have. In the past, I would have anxiety and do what I can to avoid abandonment. I was married at one point and my husband (34, M) threatened divorce when I dropped out of school from being overwhelmed and stressed. He said that he signed up for a partner and that he wouldn't consider me an equal if I didn't have a college degree. (I'm getting my MBA this year, in yo face ex! Lol) When someone threatens abandonment, I build up anger and resentment. I didn't realize until I was in therapy that I was still very upset with my husband. I lost that trust and I was trying to force it so we got divorced.

I know this is a different case. But I talked with this friend at length about my trust being shaken with my ex husband. We had spent hours talking about our stuff. So to have her give me an ultimatum, felt like a betrayal. I gave her some time (two months) to apologize for this. She decided to unfriend me on all social media. So I took it a step further by laying out that I felt betrayed and that I don't want to be friends with people I have to walk on eggshells with. I should have realized sooner that she was overwhelmed with my stuff (I did apologize for that) when she would vent about her new boyfriend stuff but never seemed to talk to him about it. If she isn't talking to her boyfriend about their issues, of course she wouldn't be talking to me about ours.

I'm sad but I also know that we don't always stay friends with our high school friends. Looking back, I learned that I was too dependent on her opinion on things, I thought of her as a moral compass for a long time. Which caused issues with my current partner the first time around. It takes two and I know I played a part in this friendship falling apart. But I have also always been that friend who dropped everything to be there when they called on me and I've hardly ever received that in return from this friend. I've always been the one to compromise in arguments or bend. I would be the initiator of reaching out to hangout most of the time. I'm tired of carrying these friendships by myself.

Anyways. That's pretty much it. I know I'll still feel salty about this for a while. I told her all this in text since she wouldn't answer anywhere else.