learning to love yourself afterwards

I grew up w a pioneer mother and elder father so I got the works in terms of the org, down to getting baptized at 12 and giving parts in conventions. I disassociated at 16, fully shunned at 18 and will starting my third undergrad for engineering this fall.

One of my therapy sessions left me a little startled and I wanted to share: With my parents high ranking and an older sister who did no wrong, I always had high expectations placed on me. Every failure was a reminder of how much less I was and every success was one my sister already had. The org ensured I never forgot my place as a sinner who would never be enough for Jehovah.

When I started waking up and prepping to leave the org, the critical voices of my parents and org were replaced by my own. I had no one else, I needed to parent myself so I did it the only way I knew how. Especially during my first year in college, I replicated the org’s cruelty and my abusive parents, refusing to acknowledge successes and only focusing in imperfections.

This obviously wasn’t sustainable and I constantly was fighting to just feel ok, to just find peace with myself. Therapist had me realize I’d never speak to another person the way I do myself, holding impossible standards over their head and yelling at every stumble. Took me too long to ask myself: if others belittling me made me miserable, why am I doing the same thing to myself and expecting any different?

All this to say: No one, not the organization, not parents and not even yourself, should treat you like anything less than a person deserving respect and love. It’s not easy to find self worth after years of indoctrination for the contrary but it’s possible. I think… I’m still trying to figure my shit out but am getting better.