Intentionally relapsing after “recovery”

I was atypically anorexic for 9 months in 2023. I lost over 100lbs. I started therapy and immediately stopped starving myself, but I swung into BED full force and gained half of the weight back. I’m intentionally trying to start the cycle back up so I can undo the weight gain. I’m feeling this horrible self-hatred over my decision, not because I don’t want to start these disordered behaviors back up (I very much do) but because I have no excuse for it this time, as I know full well what will happen to me. Before, it started as an innocent way to lose weight, and I was completely unaware of the fact that it was turning into a debilitating disorder until it was too late. Now, I’m doing it again, but I don’t have that blanket of unawareness to hide under. Now it feels intentional, and the struggles that I will eventually face due to malnutrition will be invalid. I really hope that someone else has experienced this and can relate. I don’t want to go through this alone.