Is anyone else profoundly sad? (Ep 9 discussion)

Is anyone else profoundly sad from Mariko's death? I can't recall the last time I felt this way over losing a character in a TV show. But there was something about losing Mariko that's resonating in a way that no other character death has for me that I don't think any other show has. And I'm not sure if I fully understand it myself.

There's obviously the bittersweet nature to it all, with her ending her life on her terms, and bringing to a close something she had wanted for years. But, like, I still feel bad that she felt that way all this time? And that she didn't find reason enough to stick around for Anjin? (Which sucks for him too!) Was her death really purposeful? At the least, her absence is definitely felt in the final episode...she was the show's heart and soul.

I'm legit fighting back tears even writing this. And I don't get it. She's a fictional character. Why is this affecting me so much lol.