It’s time to leave my marriage but it’s hard

I think I’m gonna slowly pack my stuff today to go back and live with my parents….just venting because I have no one to talk to….

I still got a lot of love for him but I think it’s just my ego at this point. Me feeling sad for him that he had a hard childhood and that I’m probably gonna ruin his whole life. But he doesn’t even wanna try couples therapy with me to fix the marriage so whatever. Everytime I try to leave, he comes and apologizes and tell me not to go. But when I stay, he berates me and the kids for hours or as soon as he walks in the house from work, he starts to berate us.

Just some examples that I have written in my notes to remind me why i should leave:

• told me to go die in a ditch when I was postpartum with our first child -told me to leave when I was pregnant with our first child but when he got home, he kicked all of my belongings everywhere and I had to pick everything up with a biggo pregnant belly while wiping my own tears -grabbed me by the front of my shirt and proceeded to antagonize (while I was down)
• compared me to his mom and said he will never love me like her and she will always be the only woman in her heart (but doesn’t even love his mom and she always talks about how sad she is that her children don’t love her) -i had to beg him to put up the Christmas tree with me when we first lived together and he was upset the whole time and I just cried because why tf am I begging for quality time -told me i was only good for birthing babies -the last time I tried to leave, he told me to not let my disgusting tears touch the floors of his house (btw even though he “bought” the house, I paid for the mortgage and pge/utilities myself for 2 years). -when I communicated my wants and needs for basic respect and communication, he told me i should just be thankful for a roof over my head and a car to drive. That he used all his savings to get me and the kids a home already, why does he need to spend quality time when we live together. I responded that a roof over my head is the bare minimum and that he is supposed to provide that for his wife and kids. A roof over my head doesn’t mean anything if there is no calm, love, respect, etc. -begged him to drop me off at work because my legs would hurt and swell after work and I didnt wanna drive (pregnant at the time) but he would say it’s a waste of gas/time to go back and forth with the kids. But when it’s hunting season, i would have to load up all the kids while pregnant and drop them off before work. Also disregarded how I felt about a married man going camping with his friends but he didnt care. But if i ask him to watch the kids so I can have a girls night dinner, it becomes an argument.

That’s just a little bit of the first year…I know it’s time to go. Maybe I am just too comfortable and I will be uncomfortable going back to live with my parents or having to deal with the gossips about me being a divorcee. (Being divorced is frowned upon in my culture). But I also know, it’s time to respect myself and to love myself.

Let me also add that He always tells me to leave. That he has been waiting for the last two years for me to get out if his house so he can sell it. So idk why I gotta let him tell me more than once to leave his home. Idfk.