i've been identifying as a lesbian since i was 15 and now i'm in my 20s and idk if it's comphet or if im just realizing maybe im not a lesbian?? idk lmao what do yall think 🥲

i'm so glad this group exists bc literally where else would i talk abt this 😅 anyways story time! ive been very comfortably not into men at all my whole life, when my friends had crushes on boys i could actually never relate so i thought romance/attraction in general wasn't for me, especially because the only attraction i realized even existed was straight. i'd asked my parents one time when i was like 7 if men could marry men or vice versa and they were like uh yeah i guess some ppl do it but its wrong! so i never thought about it again, even when kids at school called me gay i never thought about it or connected the two 💀 then at like 15 i had a snap realization bc i rewatched my favorite haifa wehbe music video on loop for like 2 hours and i was like wow i love this so much why do i keep watching this! HOLD ON! GAY? damn maybe i dont Just want to be her 💀 yalla alright guess im dealing w this now

came out to my friends, got outed to my parents and dealt with it (they're cool w it now alhamdulilah - i say as if im religious but the point stands), let being gay guide my view of myself and my personality for a long time. i never got crushes that often, when i was a teenager it was just on celebrities and they were all women. when i got a little older, same thing. the only people ive known irl that ive liked have been women. my two relationships so far have both been with women. i never liked the lesbian stereotypes or identified with them all that much but i love being gay, the community as a whole and the experiences ive had. i've had little moments of comphet over the years but it's been like little stuff lmao and it always passes within a week at longest but then recently i went home (baladi) right?

saw my family! had a truly beautiful refreshing honestly life resetting type of good time. living abroad was killing me so it was really nice. i see my 3amtis as my older sisters and my teta is my queen lol - they love me so much w ana a7abhom aktar. they kept asking if id want an arab man, what my dream person would be like, who would make me happiest! they're all so involved in each others love lives in a way that made me so happy to see wallah it was so nice lmao, it made me really want this with them too. especially since my parents are very against talking about relationships, never any convos or representation of romance or attraction or dating y3ni wala shi. the only issue is that they're homophobic! so obviously i know i can't tell them about women! and i'm very fem so they definitely don't suspect anything besides that growing up in the west made me have different views on gay ppl than them. they don't think gay ppl should be hurt or anything they just don't believe its good or should be in the family.

anyways so towards the end of the trip i was wondering if i could ever be with a man. i have been truly anti men forever but maybe? then i felt that idea slip away and i just got to be very sad about the fact that even if i had a "very close friend and roommate" i moved to my country with lmao i would never have this w my family. then i watched some movies, weirdly liked a few of the characters too much! all gay men bas 3adi ok LMAO, i realized a crush id had on my friend (non binary amab), sometimes ill see an arab man in a tiktok and be like omg tea! but also idk bc as much as the "me and my future husband" tiktoks are cute and seem like that life would be nice i also want to throw up when i think of having a husband 💀 the closest i can get to imagining it is my friend who would just be my partner anyways bc he's nonbinary and then otherwise i would want a wife or to be on my own traveling. also tmi maybe but sexually i've never wanted to be pregnant or anything and usually sex w men seemed v ugh to me but this crush on my friend has made me imagine some scenarios where it seems at least a little enjoyable but also i am still appalled by most types of masculinity and all the men or amab ppl ive liked recently r (fictional/not ppl i know), gay or feminine downnnn so maybe its just a fem thing? or me gaslighting myself? i actually can't tell if this is culturally inspired comphet or if i'm realizing a new broader queer identity 😭 help and also sorry for prob the longest post ive written to date im evidently v confused