The grief seems endless

This is such a downer, I’m sorry, but I feel like this may be the only community I have that can relate to the tide of grief that seems to choke me out everyday. It’s been hard to step out on ice. Even watching 4CC, I felt genuinely nauseous at points. It’s hard to engage with skating knowing that they will never skate again. I wish I could be like Jimmy, who has taken the grief and turned it into something wonderful that fuels him. But I feel paralyzed by it. I see their faces at night when I’m trying to sleep, I think about fathers and families left behind. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve wished multiple times that I could just forget. I wish I was as detached from the tragedy as my coworkers or friends. I try to logic my way out of caring, arguing with myself over how emotionally engaged I should be with a club I left years ago. It would be easier, probably, to forget. I could never and will never, but I’m so exhausted with missing them. I’ve only had to grieve my grandparents before. And I know these things take time, but the enormity of it. The tragedy of it. How do I mourn 28 people at once? How do I mourn children? I don’t know. I feel lost and untethered. Don’t know what I was trying to achieve with this. Advice, maybe? Assurance? I have no skating community in this new city I’ve moved to, so maybe just understanding. Regardless, if you read through all of this, I love you and hope you are doing well. Thanks for being part of this community.