Beginning of the end

I've talked myself blue in the face so many times. To give some back story, my (27 f hl) husband (28mll) and I have been together for 6 years. We are coming up on our 2 year wedding anniversary and all I wanna do is run. We have very lackluster sex about 3 times a month and it's always in the morning, he has medical issues coupled with being overweight which have made his preexisting LL worse. I stopped initiating at the beginning of this month entirely and I cant say he has noticed, nor would he look at this month and see anything wrong with the quantity or the quality of the sex we did have. I have been feeling thoroughly unsatisfied and I have voiced my concerns many times to very little changes on his part.

I dont really even know why I'm on here other than to vent because it's all I have left, I dont know how to talk to him about anything anymore and I cant have the "not enough sex" talk again. I dont know how to make him understand after all this time that the sex is still not good enough or often enough and that it's becoming a deal breaker. I didn't mean to sign up for a lifetime of morning sex quickies, he always has an eye on the clock cause god forbid passion overrides the need to be on time for work.

I'm 6 weeks away from completing a program in the medical field and I think once I get a job I'm going to set aside money and leave. I've started thinking honestly about having an affair and as final as that would be as far as a clean exit goes, I know I at least owe him the dignity of leaving him somewhat intact. I didn't mean to be this person and I thought I could make sex smaller than it was, but unlike him, I have no illusions that it's a need for me, not an option.

I wrote this poem and have added to it over the last few weeks, I know it's not great but it embodies how I feel pretty well. Thanks for listening.

Anxiety.

My heart is racing all the time And I cant get you off my mind. All this time I've craved your touch Though I feel I'm not enough Do you know how hard this is Breathing when your heart's like this The Screaming in my heads so loud I didn't mean to choose him now

I know my heart, its strong but shy I can't stand this, I wanna die. Here I'm doing the same damn thing Ruining what could have been. My heart is cracking cold as stone, he found my pulse, he felt like home. Running out of gas and time, think I might have lost my mind.

I thought that I could run from this That I could make it back to him But now I know the price of love and what's been done wont let me win.

I'm anxious every day, but dont know how to walk away. My heart is breaking, my legs are shaking, my mind is racing. And all this time I cant stop chasing this dream of making a life worth taking all the pain that we've been raising.

my heart beats loud, a solo drum. I hate the woman I've become.